Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
