Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
