I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Randomize
