He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Randomize
