I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
