He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize