Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
