I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
