I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize