Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
