I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
