you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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