hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
