he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
