The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize