The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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