hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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