you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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