Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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