swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
