im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
how does that bad decision feel?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
