I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
