I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
