Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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