Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize