no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
