i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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