I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize