i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize