And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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