you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
