Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
