I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
