I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize