You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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