Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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