Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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