Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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