Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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