I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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