I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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