At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
