Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize