Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
