hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
