you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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