my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
