# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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