I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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