She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is Oprah even human
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
