I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We smell like vodka and hangover
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
