i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
