It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
