i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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