the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
