How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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