I can tuck mytits in my pants
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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