Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
